Relieved. Am I? Am I not? In a world where it feels like you’re a freaking dumb ass, how can you assure yourself of a fucking happiness- everyone seem to want, but cannot have. Alright, range…case-to-case basis. Whatever you mean by this word, fine! the hell I care with yours, I have my effin definition. And you wanna know what? Why would I tell y’all? People won’t ever, e-v-e-r comprehend what I’m trying to say. Know whY? again? because everything’s meant to be like this. Purposely weird, deliberately misunderstood.
Misunderstood.Yeah, that’s exactly who I am. Care to know the reason behind? Screw. Screw each piece that has no screws. Screw them and let them bind themselves to reality-Mine is a story that cares not to know yours. Not everything about you, no sense of getting the gist. What is there to feel for after a whirlwind of emotions? After major epic love failures? After founding that certain word we’re trying to define, and realizing I haven’t done noticing I never really acquired one. Not yet. Not absolutely. Not in this time. And when? That, I will never know. And it sucks. Yes, it sucks. Knowing I had anxiety leading to damn depression before, because of a dream I knew I would never have. Then, again? This time? Why would I ever try to put myself in that same situation?
Situation. And this is how it goes. I feel so fucked up! Oh, I can see the walls around me. They’re too strong, sturdy as you damn call ‘em! Walls that have been built in between me and that effin word I’ve mentioned above. Walls that may continue to hinder, to block…and just like the historic Berlin Wall- perhaps may be destroyed…slowly stumble and fall.
Fall. A word I would like to stop hearing, but I won’t stop feeling. It’s an awesome feeling to fall from the highest cliff and nowhere to be found. Suicidal? not really. Why would I ever deprive myself from all the effin word I don’t wanna mention until I get through this. why would I ever deprive myself from falling? from the things that could make me smile? from letting me feel that I’m alive again? from trying to figure out the beautiful things in this life? from falling all over again with the same trap? same person? same feeling? same case? same story?
Story.My story is mine, it can never be yours. Yours is yours, and it can never be mine. So stop comparing scenes and actors. Stop trying hard, trying to copy each line from my own script. Stop getting my ideas. Stop soliciting my producers, my director, my scriptwriter, my cinematographer…they’re trust and work are mine, and they work with me to create this beautiful story. A masterpiece I would wanna share, would want to be proud of. Every little line seems to be perfectly written, it’s fate. It’s kismet.
Kismet. A word unfamiliar to others, but I find this one of the cutest thing ever invented. And this is the moral I would wanna share before getting through with this crappy misunderstood creation I made- it happened, for it’s meant to happen. It’s destined to happen, and the atoms and molecules around us agreed that certain things should happen. It’s kismet. Don’t question anymore, for reasons-there are mere reasons for the existence of a certain “something”. But what is important is that you understood what/why/when/how did it happen. And most of all, you never put a question mark after you saw a period on that statement. Am I not right?
Right. I want everything to be right, on the right track…all is right, all is well…everything is fine. And how could I ever assure myself of this certainty that I want to happen? Freaking words are running in my mind, freaking figures are infesting my consciousness-floating around…nowhere to be found but in the middle. STUCK. FROZEN. STAGNANT. The way I exactly feel as of this very moment. And yes, it sucks again! Knowing your life’s messed up, and now who’s to blame? I feel like I own all the effin problems in the entire world! And I feel like there’s no way for me to get my ass outta here!!! here! This unjust, ever unfair world of unjust and unfair people!!!
And now the question is when? When will I ever accept that nine-letter word in me? It’s trying to get into me, but I guess I’m refusing it to finally get into me!…striving so hard. But I know I want it badly. I need it and just to change the way I think would help a lot. It’s killing me over and over again. It’s pursuing. It’s too strong that I wanna lay down and stop for I know I couldn’t bare the pain. I have to face it. I have to say it. I have to show it. I have to express it. Sorry, but I have to go on. I have to go and find my way. I have to accept HAPPINESS in me, in my life. and the effin answer???