SOULFUL DELIGHTS

Stop this whole damn drama. The sun is down, and the FIFA Worldcup in South Africa has just started. Here, I am. Same old me, maximizing the remaining days I’d be more relaxed and free. After few days, I’m off to hit that long crooked road to reach the END OF THE RAINBOW.

I WISH TO GO BACK. I WISH TO BE LIVING TWO MONTHS later, where there’s pure fresh bliss within me, around me…my love, and our never-ending kiss.

For nearly a month, I’ve been like this- crappy sad gal. My life has been monotonous. Wake up late, have my BRUNCH (Breakfast and Lunch all in one), watch TV, dvd marathon or endless videoke, wait for calls and texts, surf the net, blog, chat, download movies, songs, and other stuffs, drink coffee, eat chips, watch tv again, drink milk at night, and again…a never-ending battle with INSOMNIA. SUCKS BIGTIME. But merely, just waiting for that perfect time to TALK. Sometimes, I would purposely wake up early so I could check him out. There would be times that I’d be lucky to spend time…and sometimes, I’d go back to bed with an epic failure.

and now, i’d be busy too..crappppp!

I’ve done everything. I guess, I believe so. I’m trying to have the widest range of understanding. Sometimes, paranoia would take over…but tell me, WHO’S TO BLAME? Am I wrong to be upset and sad if I can’t talk to him because of certain circumstances I know we could have, and yes we could do something just to fix things up…but I don’t see any efforts? Are you wrong to get upset too, for sometimes I just can’t seem to understand what’s going on with you and the things you are doing lately? There’s no one to blame. We just lose something„,freaking important. Not LOVE, because we know deep inside…in our hearts that we still do love each other; nothing has changed…NOTHING MATTERS, JUST YOU AND ME.

But what? and how can we keep the love burning if we don’t talk? IF WE’LL LET OTHER EXTERNAL FORCES EAT US UP? If we’ll be cowards to fight freaking “significant disturbances”? If we’ll let ourselves just mere servants of enveloped ideas? If we will not give time, effort, a word…even a letter…TALK?

And there are sooooo many ways.

So many days that I have been struggling to fight paranoia. He’s the leviathan of my thoughts. Everyday, I would think of the possible things that could happen..that should happen. And sometimes, it would just make me feel so sad and worried. I’ve got sleepless nights and so far fighting to remove this bloodless situation…it kills me. Slowly killing me.

It’s hard to pretend that you’re ok. When everything is indeed alright…sometimes, there’s just a part of you that would say…”hey, something’s still wrong”.

I’m not being a perfectionist but…it’s nice to trust your other side too.

There are times that I would want to give up. It’s so difficult to be away from what you’re used to. Now it’s a matter of love, trust, and understanding. It’s a matter of how brave you are to face all these things amidst the hardships and burdens it could bring. It’s a matter of SURVIVAL. It’s a matter of LIVING UP. It’s a matter of a precious PROMISE. It’s a matter of FRIENDSHIP, of a COMMITMENT you’ve made and a KNOT you’ve created in the name of LOVE. It’s a matter of US…then you’d realize…after all, it’s a matter of NOT GIVING UP.

People get tired, understand them.

If one day you would hear nothing from them because you refused to talk to them and listen to their stories…give them time.

If s/he would in one point think of giving up, understand her/him.

If s/he needs a break, let her/him.

and if s/he would come back…after all, faithfulness and loyalty’s there…ACCEPT it…accept her/him.

In the end, this is not a project or homework of only one. It’s a team work. TEAM…you and the one you love. It’s up to you then how to work it out. To make it right. To make it on top.

*outta here*

Love they say requires a certain point of understanding. You really have to have this particular range of comprehension that maybe some just don’t have. And yes, after all it would just boil down to- because I’m in love.

Fuck.

I was watching New York, I love You a few hours back. Actually, I have been watching that film over and over again. I just fell in love with the entire concept- all 11 short 10minute film jam-packed in one extraordinary movie…oh, I just indeed fell in love with New York. And it made me think over and over again, how people from different places and races do totally insane stuffs out of nothing just to seek for freaking LOVE. You get hurt, cheated, you cry and sob every night, you get fucked up, and wishing you fuck all the time (ooppps), you smile and laugh and then cry again (see how crazy people are)…but all this time people have been doing the same crazy thing—-Falling in Love.

I was too, was searching for true love to come. A love that I know wouldn’t be PERFECT, for I know that there’s none…but something I would be very proud of and say- Hey, I love this man and he loves me, and I love being in love with him, ‘coz he brings out the best in me, though we are not perfect but we are trying to be one.

Who says it is easy to find love? Even if you’ll say that you don’t need it, that’s weird and you are freaking weird because at the end of the day, you’ll find yourself jealous when you see couples kissing and doing public display of affection in front of you, or you’ll see yourself crying because you haven’t experienced having a boyfriend/girlfriend; after all you’re already on your 20s, and worst of all- finding yourself in your room corner sobbing because you seem to be helpless and you need someone to lean on.

It is not, and forever will never be easy. Sometimes there are just types of LOVE that could fool you—-A SELFISH kind of love. People sometimes become too selfish just to get attention, to be loved, to feel happy, to appear happy, to show-off..blah blah blah. I can attest to that. I, too became too selfish. I thought that love just found my way. I thought that HE is indeed the one. I thought our roads crossed before and then again after several years, thirteen thousand miles away, thirteen timezones away. In boundaries beyond the SUNRISE and SUNSET. He’s there and I’m here, we seem to be so close but in reality we are just TOO FAR. I was living in a truly indescribable impossible DREAM. For me, he was the one but for him, SHE’S THE ONE. Yeah, he’s in love with somebody else, and I was left here and it felt like I was behind THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. I lived in the past too much.

Anxiety and Depression almost killed me. —Just to make you realize how love could turn you from a sane person to a mentally impaired human.

I tried to look for my worth. I STOPPED SEARCHING FOR LOVE. “HE” never left me after all for we’re friends, but I made him realize my WORTH. I am valuable. I am worthy to be loved. I am precious…and someday, somewhere down the crooked roads, SOMEBODY would walk with me and will see my worth.

…and it did happened. After few crooked and slippery roads, I’ve found him. I’ve found the ONE and he was just right near me. I KNEW THEN, I SHOULDN’T HAVE looked farther and even more because he was just beside me, so close to me.

It wasn’t easy again. You’ll see this gorgeous man who seem to be a campus crush, total head-turner…your friend and blockmate for years…and here he is, courted me, said a thousand I LOVE YOUs, and I MISS YOUs; a couple of home drop offs, eating with me, taking care of me, saved me from a tremendous…yes a horrible nightmare ON STAGE, pick me up, kissed my wound, kisses me even if I’m freaking sweaty, hugs me everytime and would make me feel comforted, holds my hand tightly…a whole lot…here he is, now..my boyfriend…=)

and we went through a lot, WE ARE GOING THROUGH A LOT, and we are about to go through a lot of things and EVEN MORE…like the “You and Me Against the World” drama, Heartbreak Warfares all over again…jealousies, misunderstandings, fights, tears…all those spices which make up people’s favorite RECIPE ever- LOVE…

I’ve read a part of the book I am reading entitled: When God Writes your Love Story. It says there that two things which are inevitable for change in a relationship are: (1) The Gushy Stuff (2) Physical Appearance. These two things are always subject to change. WHEN GUYS COURT GIRLS, they’d say the SWEETEST WORDS over and over again, purpose? TO WIN HER HEART. After which they are together, count several days and it would change. LOSING MOMENTS OF uttering simple I LOVE YOU or even I MISS YOU. After you know it, she’ll do the same thing…and the SWEET MAGIC INGREDIENT OF LOVE is now GONE. Another is physical appearance…it fades like the Gushy Stuff. Through time, your sweetheart won’t look the same as s/he did before. And now the question is, WOULD YOU STILL HAVE THAT SAME LEVEL OF LOVE FOR HIM/HER EVEN IF THE GUSHY STUFF AND PHYSICAL APPEARANCE FADE SLOWLY?

I doubt. I doubt people would say a fierce YES. I can foresee tons of WHYs and “the hell” after hearing this question.

Somehow, let’s just admit that indeed simple things such these (the gushy stuff) can really make you secured she or he feels that they are loved. Girls, for that matter enjoys surprises, sweet endearments, sweet thoughts, blah blah blah. Every girl would love to hear his man say “I love you honey” from time to time even if there’s no need to utter one. She would love that. Because I do, and most young woman do.

Now I do not know where to fucking end my blog. I just wanted to be given a time and area where I can place what I truly feel. I wanna feel worthy again. It’s quite unusual to see a supposed to be happy young lass trying to look for her worth. For the past few days, I felt so unimportant, not loved…misunderstood…just lost due to thinking of someone who’s lost too. (isn’t that great? haha).

I want to hear him say that once more just like he did yesterday. I want to be his center, sun, whatever u call it even for just a day. I want to feel his warm hugs and sweet kisses again, soon. I want him. I want me. I want him and me, now.